Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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