Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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