did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
