Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
