My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
