Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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