at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
