This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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