my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
