dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just pee around me
Couch. On fire.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
