Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
