Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
