I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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