Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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