i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
