Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
