I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
