I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
