There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
