I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
