There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
