You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
