I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Randomize
