Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize