found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
