my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
