If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
