just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize