He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think I sprained my soul last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
