smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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