when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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