I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
