I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
