I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
