when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
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