Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
