I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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