I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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