The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
