Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
