had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
