Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize