Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
