Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He has the fingertips of a God
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