Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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