just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
