I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
