it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
