Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
