we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
