I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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