so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
