Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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