I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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