Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
