I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
