Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
