I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize