Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
