Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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