that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
