When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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