I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
