Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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