Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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