It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
