i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
